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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his first official act since the Supreme Court granted him sweeping presidential immunity, on Tuesday President Biden replaced all six Republican justices on the Court with his wife, son, and the Obama family.
In a farewell message to the ex-justices, Biden thanked them for giving him virtually unlimited power and “for making people finally stop talking about the debate.”
The impact on the former justices was sudden and shocking, as both Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito were immediately disinvited from a lavish Mediterranean cruise aboard Harlan Crow’s superyacht.
Additionally, John Roberts confirmed he is relocating to North Korea to be the figurehead of a purely ceremonial tribunal that rubber-stamps the whims of Kim Jong Un.
Meanwhile, an irate Brett Kavanaugh was spotted moving his possessions out of the Court, rolling an unwieldy beer keg down the building’s front steps.